Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too easy.

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them