Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??