@meghaffer

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

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@PaperWash

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

@KevinFarzad

Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.

@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

@TheAndrewNadeau

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

@dubstep4dads

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

@shkeeber

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

@SamGrittner

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.