@meghaffer

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

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@Schmoodles

My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like “Who are you?” and “Why are you hiding outside my house?” and “My wife is calling the police.”

@Wenderella22

Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest

@junejuly12

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

@T_Bonezzz

Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.

so i made her a mixed signal tape

@chelliet22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@pleatedjeans

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

@LittleMissAngr1

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.