*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
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LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.