*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date