Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

The pasta is now

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

How it started: How it’s going:

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage