Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

just witnessed a drug deal

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Thrilling chase underway

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.