Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

When you put it that way… 😂

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow