Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I wanna be friends with this person

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

me when i smell free food in the break room