Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

I can’t deal with men any longer

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”