Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
No. He’s not coming out to play
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time