Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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…..pretty much.
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?