Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Looking at you, Jesus.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.