Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people