Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.