Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

I used the label maker