Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

I can also cook 😂

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Catercrombie & Fish

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.