[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
cats when you pet them too long:
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.