Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.

lol