Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again