Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Good morning

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.