Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.