Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

found this cool rock hiking today

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Me irl

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?