[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Watermelon Boss!
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open