[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife