Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.