*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.