Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

San Francisco has too many rules

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

a fate I wish upon no one

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”