*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot