*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
boys are so easy to impress
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.