*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
good let them take over I have had enough
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!