Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.