Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

I feel it

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

The First Farmer