Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.