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My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*puts cutlery down*
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME