*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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Alexa turn off the planet
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
