*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista