@sad_tree

*sees guy ordering pizza*
“With onion”
(Ok)
“Sausage”
(Nice)
“Mushroom”
(Hell yea)
“Chk”
(Plz)
“Meatballs”
(Why)
“Anchovies”
(Ur dead to me)

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@drhappyknuckles

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.

@CerebralWreck

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

@BigJDubz

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

@TheAverageShark

Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim

@zoevsuniverse

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

@ruinedpicnic

parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun

@_steamy_mac

Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.