[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
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You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.