Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

I just love that new Pope smell.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…