[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.