Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside you there are two wolves

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Had to try this trend 😊

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party