Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

A Monday every week is excessive

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

This rocks

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Finally! 😈