Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!