*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me