[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
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You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps