[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
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football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
money maker
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Smells like a challenge to me
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time