*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
You Might Also Like
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok