Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.