*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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Is your wife single?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Rambo Rambow
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined