*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
🤣🤣💀
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.