*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find