[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
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Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters