Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*