Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂