[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.