*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Just grow your own
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
