*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]