Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Tapped in

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.