*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH