Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

🤯🤯🤯

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.