Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

awkward

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

ibopfufen

I dropped my iphone in McDonalds Sprite and that mf started charging

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes