[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I put the p in pants.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Isn’t
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now