[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
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Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.