Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

It’s on my to-do list.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

Huge if true.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!