Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

North and South

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

I hope this email finds you in a well

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain