*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You Might Also Like
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I enjoy a good short stor
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that