Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

When libraries troll their patrons.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.