Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling