Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

I’d use my best pan on you.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

Me when I hear gossip