*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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Blew my mind.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.