*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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Worst bar ever.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack