*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Penguins walking in 5x speed