Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Jesus steals the winter solstice

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever