*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.