*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
house sitting!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant